Hitching on an Empire (magazine)

The mainstream "Empire magazine" is a British magazine that provides news and reviews of films. It is in fact a rather reliable magazine for information, in that it does not fabricate its content, unlike many other magazines. However it stands as more than a reliable film news source and critique of films. Interestingly enough it can also be considered an academic resource. I however don't believe this is an accurate statement; their review of films is often blind sighted by the actual "academic" perspective of things, and leads a trail of distaste as it focuses heavily on a personal entertainment value leaving out any room for ambiguity. Point in case:

Hitch
If this this film doesn't leave a bad taste in your mouth, then you either have poor taste or no taste buds (which I guess is a symptom of poor taste). For those who are unfamiliar with a 5 star rating system, 5 usually equates to the best of the best, 4, a great effort, coherent and entertaining, 3, good, 2, bad, 1, no studio would commission this film is except one headed by a caterpillar with a brain tumor and thought it would make him rich, because it made no sense. For this film, Hitch to get 3 stars is an insult to human intellect. Why would a film about a man who gives dating advice to other guys are attracted to a specific some one (but have no prior chemistry) in order to make them come together, but happen to not be able to utilise any of his own advice be worthy of 3 stars? well the easy answer is, it's not. Not only is the writing terrible, and the scenario bizarre to the point that its frustratingly bad (If hes so secretive, how does he get business, furthermore, why does he live in a 4 million dollar apartment with perfect placement?). The screenplay forgets that there are in fact hundreds, if not thousands of Pick up artists, who both practice and teach within New York state, and believes somehow the one who doesn't self promote, and can't actually "pick up" is the richest of them all.

"LOL I got no idea what i'm doing, but give me money please"

Oh and let us not forget the racist overtones; how the overweight white guy has to fall in love with the attractive white girl. Oh wait, and the other two cast members who by the way, are minorities (black and hispanic) also have to be brought together in love - segregation much? And this then comes to the final dance sequence at the end of the film... Firstly, THIS IS NOT A BOLLYWOOD FILM, so why the hell do we need an insignificant dance party to prove to us none of the cast know how to dance? furthermore, half of the characters don't know each other, so why are they dancing together like they've been best friends forever? Do they not have other friends than each other? Oh no! I get it! they're trying to make up for their racist overtones by saying "in the end, we shall be united, despite being strangers". No, it's actually just a shit film.

Don't watch this film, ever... please.

-CROF